Today I want to share a story about Jeremiah and Ashley; two people who knew they were soul mates from day one, they've used their faith to move forward through a roller coaster ride of emotion these past years. I've been lucky to have met Jeremiah and Ashley through word of mouth and the "wonderful" world of Facebook. Please take the time to read their story, it may hit closer to home than you think, but in the end you will be happy that you did.
Thank you Ashley and Jeremiah for sharing your story with me!
Growing in our Hearts
When you define the word infertility in the dictionary it is known as:
Infertility-is a disease of the reproductive system defined by the failure to achieve a clinical pregnancy after 12 months or more of unprotected sex.
However our definition is:
Infertility- broken hearted husband and wife, who actively tries to conceive and does not get pregnant. A wife or husband who feels ashamed of themselves for not being able to reproduce. Followed by disappointment, tears, anger and uncertainty ..... that is until I found GOD
On August 6, 2011, I married my best friend, my soul mate, the love of my life. I had dreamed of my wedding day since I was a little girl. I loved the thoughts of making my house a home and raising a family. I had warm feelings thinking about doing my daughters hair for her first day of school, and cheering on my son from the bleachers at his first wrestling match. We built the home we planned to raise our children in and began trying for little ones right away. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and months turned to years, and still no baby.
We were riding an emotional roller coaster of late periods and negative pregnancy tests. The only sensible thing to do was to turn to medicine. I scheduled an appointment with my obgyn who performed numerous tests, and diagnosed me with a septated uterus. I hated being poked and prodded like a science experiment, just to get pregnant, when so many girls around me were getting pregnant with ease. Life felt unfair, I was depressed and in despair. I became bitter and angry every time I heard someone close to me was pregnant, which created further self-loathing. I hated feeling this way, I really wanted to celebrate with all of the new mother’s but my pain was secretly haunting me. I felt so heavy with sadness, like a thick fog on a starless night. Emotionally I was spiraling out of control, I felt broken, worthless and ashamed of myself. I felt insecure in my marriage, as I felt the weight of not being able to bare my husband’s child, provide grandchildren for our parents, and an embarrassment to my friends.
In my darkest hour I began to question things. My husband who was a “born again” Christian had witnessed to me about God and the Bible, previously, I disregarded it as myth. How could there be a “supernatural being” that controlled things like a genie? I thought if God is real, why is a good God allowing me to go through this pain. Jeremiah challenged me to seek God, and said if I questioned God, to ask Him to reveal himself to me. As I considered what he said to me, I began to consider the reality of God, as in being real. Having no one else to turn to I went to a bible study at work. At the bible study I felt a warmth and closeness I had not felt in so long as we talked about God and His love. We learned about how much He loved us and how He died on the cross to pay for our sins. As I sat and listened I felt very convicted at all the sinful things in my life. We were shown how we could be saved by Jesus, by repenting of our sins and allowing the Holy Spirit to enter into our hearts. I felt it! I asked God to forgive me for every wrongdoing in my life, and asked Him to enter into my heart. I accepted Christ that evening on January 16, 2014. I immediately felt comfort that I had not ever felt in my life as well as a love like no other. I knew God would be the only way I would have a child.
After being saved, I just knew God used my infertility as a way to draw me to himself. My relationship with Christ grew. I spent time praying and begging God to fulfill my heart’s desire. I remember one summer afternoon, while sitting on my deck, God spoke to me saying “you will have a child”. Chills filled my body along with God’s promise. I anxiously waited for positive results, but yet again all I got was disappointment. I drew back from God feeling betrayed and alone. I reached out and made me an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist (infertility specialist) to take matters into my own hands. Making this appointment haunted me, admitting we had a problem. More tests were done, and while everything came back fine, he seemed sure that we had unexplained infertility and was 99 percent sure I have endometriosis (not a septated uterus). He recommended surgery to remove the lesions, followed by rounds of in-vitro. I cried when we left, and felt abandoned by God. I blamed God and withdrew further from Him. I was depressed and refused to go back to church. Pain set in again as I paced through my house seeing all of our empty rooms, that I planned to fill with little ones right away. I was depressed and refused to go back to church. Jeremiah made me go on Easter Sunday and I was reminded of the pain, and humiliation Jesus suffered for my sins. I felt I had been betrayed by God because He hadn’t given me what I wanted, and then realized He gave me life and if he never gave me anything else that was more than my sinful life deserved.
I turned back to God, not for what I could gain but for who He is. For the relationship I have with Him. I began to change my world and be faithful to my family and responsibilities God has given me. I experienced an overflow of love for Christ and His people. Very shortly after God impressed on both my husband and my heart to consider adoption. We prayed and God once again spoke to me saying “thy will be done”. This meant that we wouldn’t follow the plan we had envisioned for our life, but follow His plan and that His will would be done in our life. I knew I needed to let go and let God. At that moment I surrendered my complete trust in the Lord, and have complete peace about the journey He has for us.
Jeremiah told me about Family Life Services adoption agency, based out of Lynchburg VA. I researched for days and finally set-up an appointment at this ministry based agency. I learned about the cost of adoption and felt defeated once more, but God immediately spoke to me and said “It’s all mine anyway”. I thought how dumb am I, if this is the God who I serve and trust, of course He will provide the finances! We have followed God’s plan and have now completed an approved home study, hold a license to adopt and are now in the final stages before going on the waiting list, for the child that is growing in our hearts.
Trust in the Lord with all thy heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.
I'm so excited for you both! I know you will make excellent parents! I'm thankful to be able to share this beautiful stepping stone in your life.